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Those tiny little moments with her are just pure joy. I've found that joy and all its voices are as elusive as an honest weather forecast. Meaning that the forecaster can assume, but by the very nature of weather and its unpredictability, it's hard to take it seriously. So, as in the same as joy, I lower my expectations, and let whatever comes to me, come to me. You can't create joy, you can't own it, and it's not there to be defined. It's there to be found and experienced, all at once.
I live in a small apartment on modest means but I love collecting so I made a rule; have nothing in my home that doesn't have a story. I look around me as I type this and see the empty pack of smokes members of Pussy Riot autographed for me because I vintage bag melbourne had nothing else for them to sign. I see my dead father's legal seal, half a dear pelvic bone which a friend made the other half into a gown. My things give me joy not because of any monetary value but because of the stories and memories they hold. Encounter where masks are down, imperfection is revealed and exchanged.
The best—taking in the immensity of a starry night with someone who loves it, too. In German there is the phrase "So viel Zeit muss sein", meaning "There has to be time for this". A friend of mine says it regularly so I keep it at heart.
One day soon, I'm sure I'll have to very deliberately seek joy out, but on a gorgeous, sunny day like today, joy is right here. And now is as good a time as any to take a moment to let it in. These days I'm finding it very difficult to find joy as I am facing the heartwrenching experience of watching my husband, the love of my life, deteriorate rapidly (from stage 4 stomach cancer) into a mere shell of his former self. He is only 54, we've been married 28 years, and to put it simply, it seems so unfair. This does not mean, however, that I am completely devoid of joy.
For most of my life, I've been fearful of much of this world. We matured together, not least for me, because I gave up drinking early in our journey.He shed his fears, and we grew in confidence and serenity. Initially, we took to the moors to try to help with weight loss--always on a harness, for it is far too dangerous here for small tigers. Soon we grew to cherish these ritual circuits of his kingdom. He held his fortress against a young pitbull and an aggressive cat, but perhaps our fondest moments were simply lying amidst the fresh mint plants, prodded by the breeze. In all times of year he requested his outings, even climbing atop mounds of snow in the shortest days.
I'm still learning how to be joyful. After recovering from a mental breakdown many years ago, I can say I start to get glimpses of joy again. It can be a feeling of satisfaction when I manage to bring 3 bottles of mineral water home from the shop instead of 2, as 3 are always discounted. It can be walking the dog or the process of writing a poem. Right now I'm on a tram and the sun rays are burning my skin.
And I just so happened to meet one of my new housemates at a comedy gig at a dive bar on Bourke St, and then through her got accepted into this incredible new place, owned by the amazing filmmaking son of a famous Australian architect. The night before, I heard from my ex that she had gotten engaged. Though very happy for her, it wasn't the most pleasant feeling.
When they see me, they all run towards me. I highly recommend making friends with some chickens. What a mystery and ineffable feeling. Or would joy be a feeling, a state or a dream? For me it would be the way to reconcile past, present and future. Or to stop trying to understand what we do not understand and build our own time.
Now she has a child of her own- and what brings me joy, is knowing she will grow up in a home where music is played loud and it will also become her constant companion to look after her when we are long gone . What I’ve learned about joy is that it shows up. It shows up as a gift, a surprise.
It feels disloyal and a betrayal of his memory not to be constantly consumed with grief. Your words however, have provided hope and inspiration that joy can find a way back in. I often refer people to your letters to answer the dreaded - how are you question. On reading one a friend was awed and described the RHF as a service to humanity - they are not wrong! So thank you Nick for your words and music.
It's not that I don't experience joy now. It's just different and fleeting. I feel like I have to plan the joy when, in reflection, the most joy I have is when it isn't planned; it's a spontaneous moment that I least expect. Hearing a song by an unknown artist that affects me in ways I haven't been in a while. Taking a nap on a screened-in porch with a cool breeze.
She not only gives me joy by her magnificent being but she also allowed me to unlock the joy within myself. My cat Ernie also gives me tremendous joy too.It's a great feeling to finally find myself in a position to feel allowed to experience joy again. Joy has no shape, no solid form, no edges to grasp onto.
I love finding out about new things. I love that I'm smarter today than I was yesterday. I love that I'm not cynical anymore. I love the complexities of things I don't yet understand. I love that one day I might understand them.
Joy for me is knowing in my soul that this is life in all its crazy madness, that the people around me are my people in my care and that love is the answer. On my 54th birthday I wanted to see the Emerald Lakes irl on the Tongoriro crossing in Aotearoa but to do that I would have to walk 20kms. Somewhere along the route my wairua (spirit) returned to my body. My energy was one with all existence. It was a good day out but as a city girl with urban tastes I swore I would never become one of those hikers who carries a pack and stays in huts on mountains with a bunch of snoring strangers.